In Theaters This Weekend: It’s safe to say, summer movie season is over

12 Aug

Summer movie blockbuster season always brings big films to theaters, and frankly, it’s pretty much the reason we exist; all year long we go and see crappy film after crappy film, just to catch a glimpse at the trailers for the big-budget action/comedy/dramas that always tag on to the end “Coming this Summer…”. Well, it’s now August (mid-August at that), and we’ve already gotten our Pirates of the Caribbean, our Harry Potters, Transformers, and Captain Americas, but now it’s time for the hangover (and I’m not talking about The Hangover Part II) – the summer movie leftovers, which, much like stale popcorn left in the popper, are sure to leave us with a bad taste in our mouth.

30 Mintues or Less starring Jesse Eisenberg and Aziz Ansari
And speaking of bad taste, first up this weekend is 30 Minutes or Less, the new stoner comedy from the same guy who brought us Zombieland. Starring Michael Cera (I mean, Jesse Eisenberg) as a pizza delivery boy, and comedian Aziz Ansari as his more responsible, yet still immature, school teacher roommate. Based on a true story, Eisenberg gets kidnapped while out on a delivery, his tormentors strap a bomb to his chest and say “if you don’t rob a bank for us, we’ll blow you up,” which set into motion a series of zany events, and no doubt, comedy ensues. However, in real life, the bomb the kidnappers strap to the pizza guy blows up, and “hilarity” did not ensue that day. Why the producers and director thought this was a good idea for a movie, I still do not know. But as far as the movie itself goes, it seems like instead of handing out 3D glasses at the theaters, they should pack the crowd a couple bowls, and liberally pass them around. Starring stoner-friendly actors Danny McBride and Nick Swardson as the kidnappers, the pedigree of this movie convinces me that it will come off just like Pineapple Express – a series of dick jokes, followed by some gross out comedy, some light action, a very angry and foul-mouthed McBride (does he play anything else?), a bit more action, and in the end, everyone ends up where they started. Case-closed. Swardson and Ansari are both funny frat-guy comedians, Eisenberg can act when he wants to, but when it boils down to it, the premise suffers from a “too soon” stigma based on the source material, and the comedy is just too stupid to overcome the underlying fact that this has actually happened before, and someone (pardon my choice of words) bombed once already when attempted. Save it for a late night on DVD, order some pizza, get high, and contemplate your own options when the dude comes to the door.

"Lasik Eye Surgery" as depicted in Final Destination 5
The next big movie opening up this weekend is Final Destination 5. Now, despite the fact that this is the fifth movie in the franchise, and comes off as tired and trite, with characters I could really have less interest in, who are getting murdered in the most “is this really all you could come up with?” ways (lasik eye surgery, accupuncture sessions), its not the movie so much I have a problem with, but the fact that the movie was even made, and the title of the film. Now pardon me as I play semantics, but wasn’t the previous movie in this series called The Final Destination, and when you number the movies before that as Final Destination 2, and 3, doesn’t that imply that when the fourth installment comes around, if you don’t name it Final Destination 4, and you call it THE Final Destination, that maybe you’re insinuating that this is the LAST movie in the series, there will be no more of them, hence this is THE FINAL Destination? Isn’t that what that means??? Well, apparently not in this case, and apparently THE FINAL Destination made enough money for the studio to say “Forget what we said – let’s make another one. And if that one does well, let’s make two more after that.” Not to mention that the movie is going to be a complete trainwreck that even these death-dodging kids can’t avoid, Hollywood should start labeling these movies as “Teen Money Wasters”, as they’re solely creating a product in order to turn a quick profit, rather than putting just a little thought and effort into making a slightly interesting film. I would make a deal with Death himself if he could get me out of having to sit through this.

Emma Stone in The Help
And as a sort of afterthought here, a movie that might actually be decent, had we any energy left to actually discuss it, is The Help, starring the ever ubiquitous Emma Stone, who is rivaling Jason Bateman for the “Who can be in the most movies this summer?” award. Based on the insanely popular (with women) novel, Stone stars as ‘Skeeter’, a newly graduated journalism student from Ole Miss, who tackles the sticky subject of Civil Rights in the early 60’s, and fights for the rights of the black maids in her small southern town, rather than rejoin her ‘Southern Belle’ roots. A completely predictable storyline that people who watch “Oprah” and “Live with Regis and Kelly” are going to love, but frankly, we don’t want to see anything this weekend, and we’ll pass on this until our girlfriends make us watch it on DVD. 

Summer is coming to an end, and so are the good movies, so excuse us for being a bit jaded this weekend. That chill in the air is just a sign of dark days to come…..horrible Halloween inspired scary movies! Ugggghhhh…..

One Response to “In Theaters This Weekend: It’s safe to say, summer movie season is over”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. In Theaters This Weekend: Summer Movie Season is Over, Part II « Will It Suck? - August 24, 2011

    […] week we claimed that the summer movie season was over. Every year, twice a year, Hollywood dumps the dead corpses of rotten movies on us, and much like […]

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